Everlong

The Badger, the African Honey Badger is the baddest of all animals. I dare you to find a beast more hardcore than this cross between a mongoose and a god!!!

So the weekend is almost here. What will i do... a soiree with uber models, yes they are the ones just above super models...no seriously. You know, they are usually Brazillian or Venezuelan, just fucking gorgeous. These chicks belong on clouds, enticingly playing the harp, they are fucking angels. If only i really did hang out with such chicks.

I'm working on Saturday, which totally sucks balls. At least i've got the shitty side of the work out of the way. So tomorrow i can just slack off and surf facebook or 'thebook' as i like to call it. I guess it means i'll do the whole Alfajiri and a cigar thing and hope some cougar wants a piece of this pie.

I got over the whole ranting thing, because people hate a whinger. Also cos i really have nothing to whinge about that's of any real consequence or actually remotely serious. I live in a sweet house, i have a huge bedroom, i get to do as many drugs as i want, when i want. I get laid pretty much at a whim...so i figure why whinge?

Last night my Lilly Whites played Spartak at White Hart Lane, so i ended up going down to the pub and spending the last of my pay on celebrating our comeback from 2 goals down!! Nothing in this world gives me as much pleasure as watching Spurs. Nobody understands. They just want to support teams in blue and red. Fuck 'em they can eat my salty ball jam.

This week i've been listening to Jeff Buckley. Me and one of my ex's used to listen to his shit all the time. It's a pity he died so young and only got to release one album, i can only imagine the amazing music he'd be laying on us. Great voice and guitar skills to match the greatest of all time. If you get a chance, give it a listen, it's amazing stuff.

Hurry up and pass it before you get your ass kicked

So my favourite pass time of all time is just chillin' out and getting maaad baked with my boys. So last night when I got home and checked into my living room, it was awesome to run into a couple of my neighbours playing some FIFA 09 on thePlaystation. There was beer in the fridge, a bottle of vodka in the freezer and a BRAND NEW BONG!!! They even brought munchies!! I thought it was heaven, someone had to pinch me.

It's been forever since I smoked some green, like 3 days... and even longer since I smoked from a proper water pipe. My eyes literally watered. Then I burst into tears when I was informed it was mine to keep. I didn't drink anything, I was just packing bowl after bowl. There was a moments of tension, when one of my boys said he didn't like the bong...he's an idiot though, we rolled him a joint and made sure he got it last. You should have seen how he was begging me to pass it. He should learn to smoke a pipe.

Story short, we got totally baked. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Nobody took themselves seriously. It totally made my crappy day yesterday that much better. We also took it in turns to bad mouth my ex-girlfriend. Turns out all my boys agree with me, or they didn't wanna get shot.

I like dweeeee...legalize it already.

Curious George and the Ebola Virus

Time for some randomness..

Went for one of my many strolls around the work place cos my ass was getting numb and my ears were beginning to buzz. This job stinks. The person on my right is really secretive. The person on my left has some sort of cold/flu and she's sleeping and watching How I Met Your Mother in between phone calls. So i figured I'd make a list of 10 things I'd rather be doing now. We all like lists.

1. Smoking bud - Many of you probably think I've had enough for a lifetime. But I'd rather be killing my brain cells than having them rot away at this computer screen.

2. Having Sex - This needs no explanation. If I could stay home and shag all day I'd just be the happiest camper in the world.

3. Getting in a drunken stupour! - I'd rather be getting maggot, fitshased, fucked up, throwed, plastered, sloshed, sloppy drunk, crunk. I know some mates who do this everyday, where they get the money I don't know..I know for a fact that one of them has various tabs all across the city.

4. Swimming - Cos it's fucking hot!

5. Playing football or cricket - This is more fun than sex, though a bit more exhausting.

6. Surfing - The cold water, waves, and I'd have to be far away from Kenya. Preferably on the Goldcoast with old mates with an icebox full of stubbies on the beach just waiting for me.

7. Eating - One of those steers burgers and ice cold coke. Cos it's hot!

8. Killing People Online - One of my favourite things in the whole wild world is a game called Counter Strike. If I could be online now, just pwning no0bs I could die on my ride home and have no regrets. Total ownage!

9. Sleeping - This is always an option. You can never get bored or go wrong with sleep.

10. Sitting somewhere else - My neighbours are boring. Fuck 'em...I kinda wish I could, at least they'd entertain me a bit.

Fuck I'm bored.

Customer Service Respresentative Asshole!!!

I hate the agents that work on the other side. They make my work seem absolutely pointless. My stress levels are through the roof. If only i was more calm and collected and had spent some time with Mary last night, I'm sure I'd have been much cooler.

The lesson to be learned here is, it doesn't matter how much training, or how good your trainers are. If your company hires incompetent idiots on the ground, then the people on the floor and behind the scenes will suffer for their incompetence.

If I see an agent, I'll rip their heads off and shit down their throat!

Megalomania

When i sauntered into work this morning, well rested and ready to go, I expected to be here for another day of outbound hell. I thanked God when i heard it was over and we'd no longer be getting tortured.

Well today my account manager decided she'd come back from leave...Oh no, I'm shivering. I guess that means we have to start working hard again. She is a pretty imposing figure, and she'd probably crush me if she wanted to. I heard she can run pretty fast too, so i don't think running will be an option for me.

There was a time working in this all white warehouse seemed like the best thing in the world. But i guess i was under some sort of hypnotic daze and mild radiation poisoning from the computer screens.

So my superiors with a smirk on their faces, have decided to extend my contract for another week and continue to pay us peanuts. They've also added 50,000 more numbers to the outbound side of this account. Which means the 50 of us have to make 1000 calls each. OH GOD! I think I'll probably kill somebody at the end of this account.

Is customer service really a job for me. I mean I'm a customer, and I'd hate me if I called me (it makes sense). So dealing with agents and other eeejit (to borrow a term from Ange) customers is really making me question, how much I really need the money. I've already sold out on one of my punk principles by working for the man.

Working on Maggies farm sucks balls.

I Hate Country Music

So my inspiration for this latest publication is my work station neighbour. God bless her, and he probably does, but she likes country music. Since it is in my nature to piss people off, i decided to type out a blog entitled I hate country music. Because i really do. Also because she's watching

Country music is the heartbeat of redneck America and everybody knows America smells like rancid balls on a 3 week old corpse you might find by the side of an Alabama road.. the only thing that stinks more than country music is Leanne Rimes music, which is some sort of pop/country... or her general crotch area. Probably the latter. If I ever see her I'll probably through up, faint and choke on my own vomit...alright that's a lie, I'd probably try shag her.

When i was a boy, there was no iPods and, we didnt have a CD player in both our cars, Walkmans were no good, the battery's only lasted like 2 hours, and Discmans would shake too much and skip all the time. Luckily (or unluckily, you be the judge) i didn't grow up in Kenya, . Hence, every holiday we used to get, we used to fly out here and go straight to my family ranch. Which is a long drive, my mother would intertwine these trips to hell and back with her own form of torture, hours of Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. The only good part is when she'd play Johnny Cash, country music's saving grace.

You lucky bastard children with your iPods. You can just escape the hell of your parents music.

You can't be loved, for there is no true love...

I said you can't be loved because there is no true love.. First thing in the morning I've started playing this classic track from the White Stripes album White Blood Cells. The depressed vocals of divorced Jack White are a true pleasure just like my weekend was...

With my Lilly Whites holding off the evil red army of Ferguson spearheaded by their stolen asset Dimitar Berbatov. I was pleased when he did shit fuck all all match except from stop attacks from continuing, he should have stayed where we loved him, here at the Lane. But he betrayed us for a few more 10 of thousands of Pounds, what a shit head. Other highlights of the weekend included:

1. Beer with thugs on Friday night. Don't drink at shady locals, some of the unsavory characters may kill you if you don't buy them a round. It's exciting

2. Vladimir Klitschko...not sure about spelling there. The man, who according to one of my trainers, claimed Vladimir ate 3 chickens for breakfast...he should be a fat bastard, he should give me one of those chickens. Anyways, he absolutely demolished, in a clinical display of brutality, Abdul Rachman. Who once famously felled the great Lennox Lewis. Alas, today he is just a fat bastard punching bag. It was a delight watching him have his ass kicked. For consolation i can say he goes through less pain than I do on outband calls and get's remunerated considerably better.

3. Finally, there was Freddy Flintoff, who bowled some serious magic, with authority and aggression against the Indians in the first cricket test. It was awesome to watch, and he has a beautiful action and is looking really good for this summer. Let's hope he keeps it up.

So in my last post I may have mentioned how I consider Christian TV channels one of the many levels of hell. So I wish to retract that statement as of now due to it's blasphemous and/or controversial nature and replace it with; dealing with drunk 16 year olds when drinkin on the corner.

That's how I roll, spliff, ciggy's, pimp cup (really just a shiny coffee mug) full of that drank and just posing like a delinquent on my corner, giving concerned parents mean mugs with my Gucci frames on, even though it's getting dark. So when an attractive, illegal for me to shag, absolutely gorgeous 16 years joins me and my fellow goons and proceeds to get fucking shitfaced on a Sunday night...dealing with her certainly goes on my list of "Things that goes down in hell". Having said that, it was entertaining, and i look forward to seeing her master her level of alcohol endurance and behavior when drunk over the course of this summer.

Positively this weekend I didn't have to deal with my problematic ex-girlfriend. She's out of town thankfully, and I don't have to see her face. Which I once thought belonged to an angel, but now I just see her as a vile succubus. She didn't even txt me, and I didn't sms her either. The problem with having a girlfriend who lives so close to you, and who's in your friends circle is that you have to act all civil with them...taking out the best part of break ups. Ignoring them and being a shithead towards them...on the other hand I can stir her jealousy juices to my minds pleasure, forcing her to listen to my tales of debauchery, and also bringing other girls by and introducing them to her. I love being an asshole!

Throw your shoes at your MP!

This is it

So I saw a workmate of mine on this shit, and figured, what the fuck...why not? So now I blog. How lame. But yeah...it guess i have the freedom to spew ignorance and hate without people i know actually giving a shit, and also it will let me escape the hell that has become Facebook. I hate Facebook sometimes. I can also escape other levels of hell... including working here at Econet for peanuts.

Other levels of hell include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Kenyan Politics...i really don't give a shit but everyday MP's try find a new way to screw us.

2. Christian TV channels. I don't have anything against Christians, I'm sort of one myself. But sometimes it get's too much, i just wanna drink my beer and watch the footy. My mum plays them all the time. I hate that shit.

3. Ex-girlfriends who don't get the message...it's over bitch!

4. The bullshit weed they sell in some parts of Nairobi.

5. Matatu's and fuck off dickhead conductors who'll do anything to steal 20 Kshs from you...you fucking wanker you can fucking have it. Don't think you got one over me cos you stole enough to buy some stepped on bullshit weed from me.

Smoke pot it makes music more enjoyable...